When Heather and David Marsalis decided to simplify their lives, they quit their high-stress jobs (Heather in bio-tech sales and David in nuclear medicine), sold their home in Seattle, and went to visit David’s parents in Mountain View. They stayed for seven weeks, pampered by David’s mother, Willene, and thought about settling there. But Heather wanted to be in a town that was a little bigger, and they headed for a tour of the Twin Lakes Area.
“We fell in love,” she says.
They moved to Bull Shoals, where Heather is a funeral director at Kirby & Family Funeral & Cremation Services. David’s parents, Buddy and Willene, moved to Lakeview.
“We got to know each other again and had a lot of adventures together,” Heather says.
And then, three years ago, Buddy died.
Willene was 83, and she did just fine on her own the first couple of years, but as she got a little older, her home felt bigger, and winters alone became an issue.
“She stayed overnight with us once and wouldn’t take our bed,” Heather remembers. She and David found it completely unacceptable for Willene to sleep on the sofa.
That’s when they started talking about Willene’s options once she was ready to let go of her home.
“All of a sudden you realize your life is drawing to an end,” Willene says, “and there are still changes to be made. I loved my home, but I knew I couldn’t stay there indefinitely.”
She doesn’t like being around a lot of people. She likes quiet. Her idea of a lovely day is a quiet room and a book, so assisted living was not an ideal match for her. They thought about building a cabin on Heather’s and David’s property, but they wanted her to be closer and safer.
“She was always the caregiver, most of her life,” Heather says. “She took care of us the seven weeks we lived with them.”
“It was time for her to not have to do everything for herself,” David says. “I’m very, very, very enamored with Native American culture. That history fascinates me. They had genuine respect for the family structure and elders. It was a code of honor to have the privilege of spending the latter years with your parents.”
Willene’s great, great grandmother on her father’s side was part Choctaw, so she finds David’s interest in the culture wonderful.
“We’ve always had a family connection to Native American culture, so David’s feelings are very heartwarming,” she says.
For David, it was important to participate in the later years of his mother’s journey. It was important to him that she be a part of his family, not part of a facility, but he emphasizes that the decision was entirely hers. “If that’s what she had wanted, it would have been fine,” he says.
It took two years of planning, but the three of them—Willene, Heather, and David—agreed that the best option was to build on to Heather’s and David’s home and move Willene in with them. They had already added an office that would one day become their master bedroom. That would be Willene’s room. All they needed was a bathroom and a big closet.
Heather and David got to work designing and finding a builder who would build what they wanted—artsy and natural.
They found Jeff Scholte of Ground Zero. While David was the official general contractor, Jeff was the primary builder. All along the way, they asked Willene what she thought about the design, what features she wanted.
“I’m very easy to please,” she says. She didn’t have anything specific she wanted. She didn’t ask to make any changes. “It’s all perfectly fine with me. The results are overwhelming, very comfortable.”
The Bathroom
David and Heather are lovers of nature. They live in the woods. They wanted to use natural products, to fit into the natural space in the woods.
Cedar was a natural building material choice for the exterior, but it was very expensive. On Craigslist, they found barn tin taken from a chicken coop in Clinton, Arkansas. It was clean and cool, just rusty enough, and there was enough left over for closet doors and the bathroom ceiling.
Heather and David love the tin, but the star of the bathroom, by far, is the clawfoot tub. It belonged to David’s grandfather. David bathed in it as a boy. When his grandfather’s home in Mississippi was sold, David rescued the tub from the front porch. They made sure the windows surrounding it in the bathroom were low enough that you could see the flowering trees and myriad birds in the backyard while bathing. No window treaments are necessary.
“The bathroom is Mama’s, but David and I have tub privileges,” Heather laughs. “The tub has the best views in the whole house.”
The bath also features a large closet, a walkin shower with a stool, and plenty of room for a walker or wheelchair.
Willene’s Room
Heather’s and David’s office, a room they had built on when they first bought the home, became Willene’s bedroom. They added a beautiful door that slides on barn door hardware so it doesn’t take up space swinging open.
Willene filled the room with her most cherished antiques, including the bed, dresser, and vanity set her parents purchased for $35 when they were married. A quilt made by her mother, Lela, covers the bed.
“There is a wonderful sense of family connection in her room,” Heather says. “When you are in her room, it just feels good.”
Everything in the room is heirloom except for the new chair they purchased last fall after Willene had surgery. Five weeks after she moved in, she complained of severe back pain. She hadn’t fallen and couldn’t attribute the pain to any kind of event. Nothing helped. She eventually needed vertebralplasty for a fracture in her spine due to osteoporosis. She spent some time in the hospital, three weeks in rehab, and returned home to a new chair.
The paintings on the walls are Willene’s, most mimicked from calendar art, but the Appaloosa ponies over her bed she painted from the memory of the view from the home where she raised David, a farm outside Jackson, Mississippi.
She’s a voracious reader, devouring a book on her Kindle about every other day. Heather chooses them for her, and she’s open to reading every genre. And she loves watching the birds, squirrels, and other wildlife outside the many windows in her room.
“I love waking up to the skylights and the beautiful old tree outside my window,” she says. “It’s very, very comforting to have all my old furniture, things that really mean something to me.”
Heather and David worried that the noises they make as early risers would bother Willene. On the contrary, they are comforting to her.
“I wake up in my sweet, private little place, but I am not alone,” she says. “The sounds of the animals and my people are comforting to me.”
The Kitchen
One of the biggest changes for Willene has involved the kitchen. “I’m being introduced to foods I’ve never had before, and I love it,” she says.
Heather is the cook, specializing in curry and Thai foods. She and David have been vegetarians for decades. Willene is willing to try everything, and new worlds are opening to her.
“This is so different,” she will say.
The other night, David put Brussels sprouts on the grill. Willene had never had Brussels sprouts before.
“She’s a good sport about it,” he says.
“She never says she doesn’t like something I’ve cooked,” Heather adds. “She’s so supportive.”
The biggest challenge has been encouraging Willene to feel that it is her kitchen, too. She will mention to Heather that she had some of Heather’s peanut butter.
Heather chastizes her good-naturedly. “You had some of our peanut butter.”
“It has been only six months,” Heather says. “Eventually we will all relax and it will feel more natural for her.”
Time to Grow
Willene was 85 by the time both she and the house were ready. It’s hard enough to make major changes in your life at Heather’s and David’s ages, so Willene’s move to her new rooms has not been without its challenges. Whenever you change group dynamics, whether out in the world or at home, there’s always a period of adjustment. Willene occasionally calls a “staff meeting.”
“They are mostly about wanting to give us money,” Heather says. “And she didn’t want anyone touching her laundry.”
Willene’s response is diplomatic. “I’m adjusting to combining things like laundry.”
Heather and David didn’t have children, so having another person in the house is new for them.
“All of the things I laid in bed worrying about have not come to fruition,” Heather says. “In fact, I can’t even remember what they were! The small things that have come up I never would have anticipated. She’s so easy. It’s a joy having her here.”
Heather lost her grandparents before she was five, and doesn’t have the family ties that David does.
“When it’s hard sometimes,” David says, “I remind myself how fortunate I am to still have a parent to talk to and share things with.”
One of the reasons David and Heather moved closer to his parents was to mend his relationship with them. Most of David’s life, he hadn’t been close to his dad. At the end of his dad’s life, although they didn’t live together, they spent “tons of time” together and that was enough.
“I wanted to mend my relationship with my dad,” David says. “We didn’t have to talk about it. We just needed to spend time together.”
He had an unspoken agreement with his dad that he would take care of his mom, be an advocate for her. Because they now have so much time together, he and his mother have talked about things from David’s childhood that they were never able to talk about before.
“It’s healing,” David says, especially when their memories of something don’t mesh. They are able to say, “No, that’s not how it was for me,” or, “You’re right. We didn’t handle that the best way.” It’s a chance for healing and growth.
“That just really thrills me,” David says. “It makes you grow because you have to “care”front instead of “con”front. You have to care enough to talk about things and work it out.”
Willene and David, who is retired, are home together most days, but they have their own spaces and appreciate that they can enjoy the alone time they each prefer while sharing the same home.
“We are together and apart at the same time,” Willene says.
“We don’t need to interact constantly,” David adds.
“This is what his family has always done,” Heather says. “It is a family legacy, and it feels so natural to move her here and be together. We don’t have to worry about her being alone in the other house.”
The family pets love having Willene there, too. Most of them are elderly. The family’s dog, Lutah, a rescue, is 14. So is Kola, a male cat who loves sleeping on Willene’s bed. She leaves her sliding door open four inches for him. The oldest cat, Annie, is 19, and pretty much blind and deaf. Everyone pampers her, accommodating her however they can during the few hours she is awake each day. The most remarkable family pet is Zartha, David’s 36-year-old parrot. She sings Somewhere Over the Rainbow, and laughs exactly like Heather.
“This was the best solution for all of us,” Willene says. “At least for the time that I can take care of myself, and I’m in reasonably good health.”
She never felt during the building or moving that she didn’t want to do it, she says. “I don’t believe I was ever hesitant about the process. It just materialized into something great.”
Her mother was a good role model for her. In her later years, she moved to an apartment near Willene and Buddy so they could look after her.
“She left her home and never looked back. She didn’t shed a tear,” Willene says, “and she was never happier. She was a great inspiration to me. A lot of older people don’t want to change. We have a real hard time with that, but change can be good if we decide we want it to be.”
“Pretty soon” Willene will turn 86. She’s perfectly content to enjoy every day exactly where she is, reading about courageous people who climb the mountains she will not climb. She doesn’t bother to worry about the future. Her only plans are to walk outside in the sunshine this spring.
“All I want is to enjoy my children,” she says, “and stay in touch with the people I love who are far from me. I have been so blessed with a wonderful and long life. M! April/May 2016
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